Politics: A Summary

As we as a people and, indeed, as a species in general, stand upon the cusp of a new era, it becomes prudent to look back upon our long and mottled history and try and understand what has directed our history and development so far and what will decide our interesting and probably short futures. I believe I can say without fear of rebuttal that nothing has governed our existence more than the concept of – wait for it – politics.

(For dramatic purposes, imagine that someone behind you is shaking a piece of posterboard to make thunder noises. Wait, scratch that, just think of actual thunder.)

Yes, there isn’t much in this world that is more important than politics. Well… Well, that is that “sex” thing. And food. And money and such, I mean, I don’t know about you, but like all of those thingies quite a bit, and…

Ah, but now do you see how this works? Politics, d’yesee, is a method of organizing these elements, or at least disorganizing them in a superficially orderly process.

However, it strikes me in these latent days that many have no concept of what politics is or even how it works, or, as is more likely, spectacularly fails to work, and so I thought I would sit down here and set the world to rights so people can rest easy in their beds and maybe send me some money or a beer.

I’ll begin by saying that I am not a “politician.” Nor am I “politically active.” I am also not “active” in any sense of the word, hence the “bedsores.” I am, however, unusually proficient in the use of “quotation marks,” which surely points to a high IQ or at least a pompous sense of superiority that’s so close that it makes no difference. If you ask what my credentials are, I’ll have you know that I have a certified degree from Dave and Busters for “Professorology,” and this degree is so academically fantastic that it even has a dinosaur riding a skateboard on it right next to my name. He even has on sunglasses, which means he must get “laid” a lot.

I have also watched a whole lot of television, and on the Sunday mornings when I am so grievously intoxicated that I cannot get off the couch or even change the channel I have occasionally been forced to watch news programs. And, having listened to white men with well-parted hair and women with drilling, nasal, New England accents loudly discuss things like “tariffs” and “homosexuals,” I think it’s safe to day that I know just big fat armloads about politics and can safely compose a semi-competent essay explaining it. With swears.

So I shall now explain to “internet” in no uncertain terms how politics works, how to get involved, and the best ways to go about letting everyone know that you are now a Person of Opinion and everyone in the whole wide world should Listen To You.

Let’s begin with a discussion question.

What is the difference between a “tariff” and a “homosexual?”
Answer: A “tariff” is a colored scarf worn by homosexuals to discern rank within the homosexual community. Blue is the best.

I am sure that whetted your taste for more political intrigue.

The lesson begins with history.

THE HISTORY OF POLITICS
Politics was invented by the Romans during B.S. 1944 mostly because they were rich as hell and had nothing better to do at the time. Most of their history had been spent killing other peoples like the Gauls and the Celts and the Phlegms and such, and so having run out of people to disagree with they then decided that it would be just a corking idea to start disagreeing with each other. Julius Caesar came up with the fundamental idea of politics when he was at a dinner party and no one was paying him very much attention at all, and then while he was feeling very sniffy he suddenly was struck by a bolt of inspiration, or possibly he was drunk.

The Fundamental Definition of Politics: Politics is a method for rich men to stand around and yell at each other and just generally ruin a good time.

Thus the first dinner party fell victim to politics when Julius Caesar started hollering about, oh, I don’t know, pig farm subsidies, which was another thing he invented right the hell out of nowhere. Everyone was pretty stunned, and what was really odd was that people began inventing Opinions about things and started yelling back, because even though they hadn’t the foggiest idea as to what pig farms were or even subsidies, they knew they didn’t like it/liked it and by Jove they wouldn’t stand for this anymore, even if there wasn’t a “this” at the time.

Historical note: B.S. 1944 is the first “this” that would not be stood for. Sitting did nothing to help, nor did “that.”

The next years were full of turmoil as the Romans began trying to jump on the Politics Bandwagon, which is like a normal Bandwagon except no one knows where it’s going. They eventually developed a highly ritualized method for politics:

A politician was the richest, loudest, angriest person with Opinions and Views and Such.

A citizen was a person in a crowd who is yelling. You did not need to yell words to be a citizen.

People with vaginas could not be citizens. Vaginas are also known as hoo-hoos.

A foreigner is another word for corpse.

The politicians now had a word for themselves other than “shithead,” so they were all very pleased with each other. But after a while they began to get restless and began to have Opinions about Opinions, namely about how one should go about having Opinions and yelling about them. They then developed the political process, which went thusly:

Step 1: A politician stands up and raises his arms in a very formal fashion.
Step 2: Yelling.
Step 3: The first politician sits down and another one stands up.
Step 4: Yelling.
Step 5: The other politician sits down, at which point one of them is promptly stabbed to death.

Interesting Political Note: Jesus was the first politician to get “Holied” to death, which is an acceptable if unorthodox way of Politics. The H in Jesus H. Christ stands for Herbert.

This all worked very well and good for a while, but other than the gratuitous stabbing the politicians started to wish more people could be a part of this wonderful procedure. They then began to formulate a way to get everyone involved in stabbing, but unfortunately there weren’t enough daggers to go around. So they instead came up with the process of voting, in which the senator who got the least yells was the one who was going to get shivved in the knards.

Definition of Voting: Voting is a way to avoid being involved in politics and still feel involved. It is sort of like a magic wand, only it shoots apathy and a false sense of satisfaction instead of stars and glitter and Patronuses.

Constant yelling and stabbing went on for about forty thousand years, or some equally ridiculous amount of time, until the Vikings showed up, who were inordinately good at stabbing. They stabbed the hell out of the Romans, which was pretty funny. This is why pasta is illegal in Sweden, and if you bring pasta to their country they make you rancid fish called “lutefisk,” the “lute” meaning “you’re pretty much fucked, buddy.”

Let’s review the Roman definition of politics.

Yelling = Politics = Voting = Hoo-Hoos = Stabbing = Herbert

Therefore, girls = evil.

The Vikings had a different way of deciding politics, namely that whoever was the best at stabbing would be the guy to listen to. The Vikings were pretty “kick ass.”

The Vikings were in control of Europe (white person land) for about thirty years, possibly more. They developed the idea of Kingship, which is sort of like being a Hitman for God, who is a big guy in the sky who doesn’t like you at all. The King would get to wear a silly hat and ride around feasting and smiting and making people hit the dirt with sticks until plants grew, at which point he would take the plants and burn them. It was a pretty simple system, because the only thing the King had to yell was “Shut the fuck up!” or the equivalent thereof depending on what language he spoke or if he spoke any language at all.

Eventually, though, the peasants (dirty folk) got tired of seeing their plants burned, so they created the Magna Carta (A Discovery Card plan) which was basically the equivalent of, “No, you shut the fuck up!” This was called “civilization.”

This was a landmark event in the tourist trap of history.

Eventually people remembered the Roman way of voting, which they now called “democracy,” which translates into “built Ford Tough.” This was sort of odd as Ford wasn’t around yet, to which this astute political historian says why the hell not. They eventually picked back up with the stabbing and the yelling, mostly in (surprise) Italy, where a man called Machiavelli came up with this idea:

Instead of walking over and stabbing someone, wouldn’t it be easier if you paid someone else to do it for you. Everyone agreed that this was a pretty profound development, and they celebrated by torturing and killing Machiavelli, which just goes to show what thinking gets you.

Interesting note: Machiavelli is now a word for a very bitter kind of coffee. I don’t suggest you order it.

Then some pretty boring stuff happened, most of it concerning France.

Eventually England came up with a pretty great idea: for a long time people had been yelling mostly because they thought they were better than other people. Citizens thought they were better than foreigners, men thought they were better than women, Dairy Queen thought it was better than Sonic, and every country thought they were better than every other type of country. But then King Henry, or maybe Prince Harry, or someone, suddenly remarked, “You know what I sure do like a whole lot? Money. That stuff is pretty darn-tootin’.” (Direct quote.)

Then England decided something very important: Instead of killing other people because we think we’re better than them, why don’t we just try and make a whole lot of money.

This put a real change on a lot of politics. Up until now the usual political cry was “Shut up, [insert ethnicity/gender/nationality/caste rank/sports team fan here].” Now the cry was, “Shut up and give me my money.”

This was “capitalism,” and its foremost proponent was Milburn Pennybags, whom we have immortalized as The Monopoly Guy. Capitalism meant that people could now vote in dollars rather than total stabs or yells, and rich people wouldn’t have to yell at all. Poor people could not yell, otherwise the factory foreman would beat the teeth out of their heads, possibly right into the next person’s head, thus giving them some sort of crazy shark grin which would be pretty cool to see. And so on.

This is the modern political process that we have, minus the Southern accents and confetti and balloons. Now that I’m finally done with all that history horseshit, let’s talk about modern politics and how you can use it to annoy those around you.

MODERN POLITICS AND THE USES THEREOF

These days, politics is a way to get as little done as slowly as possible while making everyone mad as hell and ruining things like dinner parties or work environments or the bumper of your car. It is also a way to instantly lose friends and begin disliking television shows, movies, authors, and celebrities because they have Opinions that are not Your Opinions, therefore making them little better than inbred mongrels wallowing in their own shit. The transformation is instantaneous, like backwards alchemy.

Let’s discuss modern politics.

The Inner Workings of Modern Politics

Politics today is easy as hell. Eventually the head honchos began trying to make it as applicable to as many people who had beliefs or money (preferably money) as possible, and so today it’s marvelously color-coded. Here’s one way to distinguish what beliefs you have that will govern every choice in products, entertainment, or social life that you will have in the future:

Question: Which is better – red, or blue?

If you picked Blue, then you are Liberal, also called a Leftist or a Faggot. This means that you think everyone should have abortions whether they want children or not and gays should have vigorous intercourse right on your front lawn. If you’re not up to a lot of sexual and religious experimentation such as tossing a fella’s salad or joining the Bahá'í Faith then you’re in a lot of trouble. You probably spent a lot of time in college or are part of a union, or you might STILL be in college and receive your information about the world as a whole through one source, Jon Stewart, whom you watch while righteously baked. Huzzah. Worse, you may even be foreign. According to you, we should immediately stop using gasoline even though there is no real practical alternative and it would require completely reconstructing every major urban area that exists along with the transportation, which is just a tiny little thing, right? You probably have a really irritating, whiny accent that is either agonizingly piercing or totally inarticulate, a direct result of being born above the Mason-Dixon line. Only homosexuals should be allowed to raise children, which would be tough what with all the abortions that'll be going on, and we should dissolve the concept of marriage, religion, gender, and morality until we merge into a dirt farm commune where everyone has crabs and no one has any concept of possessions, mostly because you gave all your money away to lazy ethnicities and the poor.

If you picked Red, you are a Conservative, a Right-winger, or a Nazi Fascist Bastard. You believe that anything can be solved with a healthy dose of religion, child abuse, or killing it via shooting it in the face or bombing it from the safety of your oil-money mansion. You believe that either education or compassionate economics are the devil, and you are either very, very rich or very, very poor. You don’t care for guvmint. On any good, decent person you should always be able to find a Bible, a chastity belt, and a .357 magnum with several rounds already fired because you just love Jesus that much. When you talk, it sounds like you're gargling tadpoles, which you may actually be doing if you're from Arkansas. Religious and ethnic minorities should receive about as much attention and concern as that possum you ran over on the way over to the prayer meet, and should those folks continue getting “uppity” then a great idea would be to quietly and surreptitiously herd them into industrial rending vats to process them into feed to cut spending on your various livestock, thus increasing your profits tenfold. Global Warming is about as realistic as the boogeyman or a trustworthy Muslim, and your car should weigh more than your house at all times. You’re not even sure what a “gay” is, but you don’t like it very much. Probably some sort of shirt. All news outlets have a left-wing bias, as do the American people and the entire world.

So that’s that. That’s who you are as a person. I suppose I could give you a bit more support about what you believe, but remember – politics isn’t about what you believe, it’s about who you hate. The “why” doesn’t matter, only the volume of your dislike. But I guess we could have a quiz as to what you believe.

Question One: From what do people derive rights?
A. From the Christian God, and the morality He has naturally ingrained in us.
B. Well, “rights” is a subjective term, as each culture and history creates their rights only in accordance with their viewpoint of the world, which is unique and impenetrable to outsiders. What we need is toleration of different understandings of the archaic, Westernized concept of “rights,” which is completely outdated in the first place.

Question Two: Abortion – How about it?
A. I agree with Dr. House, babies and fetuses are sort of like a tumor to be removed with about as much ritual and dignity as clipping off a fingernail. I should have the right to grow my fingernails and decorate them as I wish, as they’re mostly an accessory to my life, nothing more. Same thing with those tiny angry humans.
B. Every baby is one of God’s stars that emerges from the labia of the vagina to brighten up the whole world with its glory and Good Works.

Question Three: You meet a Black Person. What do you do?
A. I give them all of my money.
B. I give them all of my money because I am utterly terrified of K-N-E-E-G-R-O-W-S ohgodIhopehecanthearus.

Question Four: What do you think of the world as a whole?
A. We should save it by sitting around and having deep, heartfelt discussions about who we are as people and how we can grow and understand so long as we love each other and respect each other’s decisions, no matter how outlandish they seem to us.
B. Nuke the fucking bastards.

Question Five: What about the National Debt?
A. What the hell is that?
B. Yeah, what the hell is that?

Question Six: What do you think of the EU?
A. I think it’s got great graphics but the loading time [i]sucks.[/i]
B. I’m not going to answer these questions if you keep making shit up.

Question Seven: Religion.
A. Pfffft.
B. YEEEEEHAW

Question Eight: What do you think of art?
A. If it doesn’t have bald eagles and flags and fireworks in it and is priced at under fifteen bucks, it’s smary smarty-pants horseshit.
B. Art is too confined in these primal days. Today art should no longer be constricted by the medium of music or graphics – a sonata of Chopin or Shostakovich or a painting by Magritte can just as easily be expressed by seeing a ballerina with death’s head make up explosively defecate upon a picture of the Virgin Mary while a nude man sadly plays a one-stringed violin, his genitals held suggestively before her face. As the light fades, they place their hands over their eyes in endless shame.

Question Nine: Israel or Palestine?
A. Boxers.
B. Briefs.

Question Ten: Is it ever good to end a quiz on the number nine?
A. No.
B. Definitely not.

THE ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
If you carefully answered all the questions to the quiz then you lose, because what sort of retard has the time for that sort of shit.

HOW TO INTERACT IN POLITICS

Lots of people will tell you that politics is about registering or voting. They couldn’t be more wrong. Just as ancient doctors thought sneezes meant your head was filled with space-demons, modern civics professors think that voting has something to do with beliefs. The truth is that voting is an abstract concept that can never be engaged in and you should never seek to do. It’s a myth, like Bigfoot, the Ghostbusters, or the female orgasm. What politics is really about is being as obnoxious as possible at all times.

You can become politically active in a number of ways. One of the best billboards for your beliefs is on the bumper of your car, because there is no occasion better fit to communicate your ideals than when people are sitting bumper to bumper on the goddamn freeway because some fucking moron three miles ahead of you doesn’t know how to use his shit-ass side mirrors. This is the perfect time to sit down and bond with the enraged and weary people around you with short, meaningless, insipid phrases like NUKE THEIR ASS AND TAKE THEIR GAS or a picture of a Darwin fish graphically eating Jesus alive. People love this sort of thoughtful stuff. That’s what makes politics great.

This called “rhetoric,” which is the process of taking a word that means something, like “right” or “true” or “turtle,” and making it meaningless by saying something like, “Unless America can rightly conquer the truthfulness of all turtletry, we will be forced to eat every true American child on the planet alive. Right?” And so on.

I also suggest reigning in any conversation, no matter how mundane, to the subject of whatever subject you heard on the radio five minutes ago. Here’s a stupendous example:

MAN ONE: I sure hope it doesn’t rain today.
MAN TWO: It probably will.
MAN ONE: Yeah. You know those weathermen.
MAN TWO: Don’t I! What a bunch of clowns!
POLITICAL GENIUS: Yeah, just like President [BLAN]! I mean FUCK that guy! HOW CAN ANYONE BELIEVE THAT SORT OF CRAP!
*TEN MINUTES OF HORRIBLY AWKWARD SILENCE*

MAN ONE: ...you seen 300?

This brave soul has made a foothold on the shores of intellectualism with the ships of belief, and now the shock troops of dutiful internet research will mercilessly slaughter the villagers of ignorance, going on to raid their food stores of impracticality and brutally rape the sobbing women of closedmindedness. And so on.

The internet is also a good way to inform people of your beliefs, but I’m not going to touch that shit with a forty foot pole. Ten guesses why.

The ultimate place to triumph in the political arena is when you and a bunch of nice, sociable people are sitting down to have a good time. You could be all together at Christmas for the first time in five years, or maybe a friend of yours threw a really nice party with cocktails instead of Keystone Light and Jungle Juice. Everyone’s having a really good time, people are warming up to each other, and we’re all having fun.

That’s when you spring into action.

Start talking about Michael Moore, Hotel Rwanda, abortion, or Crash. These plus alcohol always results in crucial, widespread victories over those who are not civically minded. Grab your shit-stirrin’ stick and let ‘er rip, because this is the magic time, this is when the beauty happens, this is when, from the agonizing labor of day-to-day boredom, you can give birth to a new age of enlightenment. All you have to do is make sure to be as loud as possible about whatever the hell is on your mind. Take your stance and don’t let up. Logic? Who needs it? You can’t argue with the type of logic that doesn’t exist! We need controversy. That means you win. You win, boys and girls. Just like Julius Caesar, the father of politics, you have followed on in his noble tradition, celebrating victory over those of lesser intelligence. And I mean, hey, things turned out golden for him, right?

Right?

…wait, really?

Oh.